The faithful patrons of Lhomon made this request:

“O Lama! Please grant us a blessed Dharma teaching. We ask for one that begins with ‘In the language of India’, follows with ‘In the Tibetan language’[2], and is easy to read; one that from time to time moves us to tears of renunciation as we reflect on cause and effect, and which between times makes us laugh out loud. Finally, let it be a Buddha Dharma that is easy to understand and remember, one that liberates upon hearing.”

Requested thus, Drukpa Kunle spoke these words:

“In the language of India: Jé sha-ra-ra [cock sha-ra-ra][3]

In the Tibetan language: Stu shu-ru-ru [cunt shu-ru-ru]

Namo Guru! Dak-khe-khe! [victorious thrust]

This Treatise on the Rising Cock and the Slippery Cunt has two parts: the treatise on “That’ll Do” and the reasons why “It Won’t Do”.

First, the treatise on “That’ll Do”:

The bed is the instrument of sex;

If it’s wide and comfortable, that’ll do.

The knees are the envoys of sex;

If they are sent ahead, that’ll do.

The hands are the binding ropes of sex;

If they hold her snugly, that’ll do.

The hips are the labourers of sex;

If they keep on grinding, that’ll do.

Next, “It Won’t Do”:

Though the clitoris is beautifully triangular,

It won’t do as a three-whites torma for the tsen.

Though arse hair is coarse and long,

It won’t do as thread for sewing a sheepskin coat.

Though the balls are heavy and big,

They won’t do as a provisions sack for a mountain hermitage.

Though the cock has hard veins and a bulbous head,

It won’t do as a mallet for driving in a stake.[4]

In between, the Dharma of Cause and Effect

Don’t let your words be pointed like a clitoris.

If your tongue is that sharp,

You’ll quarrel with everyone, and all will turn against you.

But conduct yourself gently,

Like a cock-head at the mouth of a cunt,

And you’ll get along with everyone.

Don’t be a tangled mess like pubic hair.

If you’re as tangled as an unruly bush,

You’ll be at odds with everyone and stir up their minds.

But, like balls shrinking when they leave warm water,

Keep yourself small and humble,

And others will treat you kindly.

Don’t drift about like the whiff of a fart.

If you wander about spreading your stench,

You’ll be at odds with everyone and come to ruin.

Instead, like a dark arsehole,

It’s best to keep shut.

Ema!

Because the clitoris loves its pleasure,

It rides up top;[5]

Because the cock-head is so brave,

It goes inside;

Because the balls are of little use,

They are left outside.

The non-dual, all-pervading view

Is vast and high, like the depths of a cunt.

Meditation, clear, empty and free from grasping,

Is red and clear like menstrual blood.

Conduct, within the Six Cycles of Equal Taste,[6]

Is like the joy of cunts and cocks coming together.

Practise generation-stage mantra

And completion-stage mind

As intensely as a mating donkey.

When putting these into practice,

Be quicker than a mating rooster.

When retreating in a sealed room,

Be more tightly sealed than mating dogs.

This Treatise That Delights The World

Stirs the hairs of passion in young maidens,

Makes old women vividly recall their past,

Is what young men[7] practise even now,

Is work that old men need never regret,

Fills monks of pure morality with revulsion,

Speaks the truth to communities and officials,

And as for me, Kunga Lekpa,

It is my own spiritual practice!”

After he had spoken, Apa Akyok rose from the midst of the crowd, prostrated and exclaimed:

“Ha ha! Precious Lord of Dharma! Truly, through nothing more than fleeting humour and delight, you can turn the minds of all beings towards the Dharma!”

COLOPHON

None

NOTES

[1] The takin (Budorcas taxicolor), a large goat-antelope of the eastern Himalayas, is Bhutan’s national animal. Bhutanese tradition attributes its origin to Drukpa Kunle: challenged to prove his powers, he ate a goat and a cow, then placed the goat’s head on the cow’s bones and brought it to life. The biography calls the animal 'brong khyim tshe and says its descendants still live in Lhorong.

[2] Texts translated from Sanskrit into Tibetan conventionally open by giving the title first “in the language of India” (rgya gar skad du), usually Sanskrit, and then “in the Tibetan language” (bod skad du), a formula that signals a work’s Indian origin and authority. The patrons ask for a teaching with this formal opening, and Drukpa Kunle, in his classic rascally fashion, obliges with a parody: his “Indian” title is Tibetan slang for genitalia dressed up in Sanskrit-sounding syllables.

[3] “Cock” and “cunt” translate mje and stu, the plain everyday Tibetan words, rather than the polite or euphemistic terms such as pho mtshan and mo mtshan (literally “male sign” and “female sign,” i.e. penis and vagina). We use blunt English equivalents throughout because much of Drukpa Kunle’s humour comes from setting earthy language against the formal vocabulary of Buddhist scripture and scholastic treatises, and more clinical or euphemistic terms would lose that effect. They also keep the rhythm of the original: like mje and stu, they are single, punchy syllables, which preserves the cadence of lines such as mje sha ra ra and stu shu ru ru.

[4] “It won’t do as a mallet for driving in a stake” translates phur pa gdab pa'i tho ba khos mi yong. Phur pa is an ordinary wooden peg of the kind used for tents or for tethering animals, but the same word also names the ritual dagger used in tantric practice, and gdab pa (“to drive in”) is the verb for its ritual use, so Drukpa Kunle might be playing on both senses.

[5] “Rides up top” translates gnya' bar gzhon, literally “rides on the neck,” referring to the clitoris’s position at the top of the vulva.

[6] The Six Cycles of Equal Taste (ro snyoms skor drug) is a cycle of Mahāmudrā instructions central to the Drukpa Kagyu ('brug pa bka' brgyud), said to have been concealed by Rechungpa (ras chung pa) and later revealed as treasure by Tsangpa Gyare (gtsang pa rgya ras, 1161–1211). The six are the practices of taking onto the path discursive thoughts (rnam rtog lam 'khyer), afflictions (nyon mongs lam 'khyer), illness (na tsha lam 'khyer), gods and demons (lha 'dre lam 'khyer), suffering (sdug bsngal lam 'khyer), and death ('chi ba lam 'khyer).

[7] “Young men” (stag shar) is a common term for a young man in his prime. Although it contains the word for tiger (stag), it carries no sense of the animal in ordinary usage.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Rdo rje gdan pa Mi pham tshe dbang bstan ’dzin. 1988. ’Gro ba’i mgon po Kun dga’ legs pa’i rnam thar Mon spa gro sogs kyi mdzad spyod rnams. Dharamsala: Tibetan Cultural Printing Press, pp. 57–61. BDRC MW3CN15680.